Managing Grief During the Holidays
Experiences of grief can often feel magnified around the holidays. Traditional celebrations may highlight the absence of a loved one, or make changes in holiday events more apparent. Grief can also feel more present during life milestones, as we compare what could have been to the reality of now.
The Kübler-Ross Model of Grief
We have all probably heard of the Five Stages of Grief, a model created by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. These stages are:
Denial - we may reject the reality of our loss.
Anger - we become angry and frustrated about the loss, often expresses the unfairness.
Bargaining - we may express willingness to make large life changes to attempt normality.
Depression - the loss may cause us to feel desolate, sad, and depressed.
Acceptance - our emotions may stabilize as we accept the reality of the loss.
What we might not all know is that the stages are not linear. We may move back and forth through different stages, or even skip some, while processing our grief. There is no right way to feel grief, so if you feel you are not matching up to this popularized theoretical framework, it does not mean you are experiencing your grief “abnormally.”
Mindfulness During the Holidays
Be mindful this holiday season of how grief can show up in your life. As the pandemic continues to change how we may interact with the world, we may feel grief about losing our usual routines and celebrations, on top of personal losses. Some of us may also be feeling grief around missing out on certain life milestones, like weddings and graduations. We may also feel survivor’s guilt around a loss. Be gentle with yourself and what is coming up for you.
You may notice conflicting emotions during holiday events, such as both happiness and sadness. Make sure you allow yourself space to feel whatever you are feeling. It is not uncommon to feel multiple things at once, especially around grief or loss.
Giving Grief Meaning Through Ritual
One way to incorporate our grief may be to create a meaningful ritual to acknowledge its presence during the holiday season. While we may wish to show up to events in a certain state of mind, grief can have other plans. It is okay to bring your grief along with you during the holidays. Some ideas can include:
Setting a place at the table for a missing loved one
Burning a letter expressing your grief during a meaningful night
Naming your grief in prayer before eating a holiday meal
Taking some alone time during a family event to journal or meditate
Lighting a candle to represent the spiritual presence of a loved one, or mark a milestone
Attending a religious service, in person or virtually, and asking for prayer around your grief
Planning a special event with family and/or friends to acknowledge your loss
Sharing stories about a loved one with family and friends
If at any point you feel your emotions or grief become overwhelming, our crisis line workers are available 24/7 through StarVista’s hotline to help support and de-escalate at 650-579-0350.